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i mean when the ship sails? ergo - not? i mean when it really sails? and i'm in a big old house all alone w/ the dog? |   |
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this time last year was so difficult. there is a whole universe out there. i have learned big lessons from you. | | |
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sean & i are going to quit smoking tomorrow! so we've stuffed our faces w/ cigarettes tonight! we have tarry spit & tarry mucous pouring out of our mouths!
:D
:D | | comments: 62 comments or Leave a comment |
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TWELVE BOOKS OF: what does it feel like? feels like barfing in an old metal rainpail w/ the sky comin' down! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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befuddled! in more ways than only one! it is embarrassing. whatever happened to having grace! & the barest minimum of propriety! where is my shrink & what does he say! | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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failure failure. | | |
| | Current Music: | things which are | | Subject: | o sno no! | | Time: | 01:28 am | | Current Mood: | christmas family?? |
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it is awfully snowy in vancouver, & snow-quiet, too... winter-forests & pillow-white skies all up ahead & around ..
i don't know what to say! am coming up w/ apron bellies full of rotting fruit & also w/ tall round bubbles (h)air-thin of (p)ossibility. there's a fassbinder film i've been meaning to watch just sitting w/out a care in the world on top of the sewing table & i can't get to it mostly because i'm afraid of missing out on two seconds of all this snow sno no o sno.
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ok. keep it simple & the universe Will Not Cave In On You. this is the name of the song i am writing about a boy & a girl who climb two very tall trees & who swing high & low from the tops of them for the rest of eternity. ok. it's not a song but i'm singing it. i've replaced nicotine w/ coffee & basically i'm swingin' all the time in the little room four inches behind the eyes, is that right? four inches? two? where the lashes curl in? effexor-town?? cabin fever! i read a horrible article a few moments ago about a homeless couple who slept in an abandoned school bus & who were found completely frozen this past thursday .. this just did something huge to my brain & you know you gotta keep singin' it keep it simple & the universe Will.. Not.. &tc.. | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
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slightly confused, & quite tottery also! but did i ever have an excellently japanese (first generation) afternoon today .. i had a trio practice w/ two lovely women, but first even before the nervous sight-reading came the "try to find the apartment door on the twenty-eighth floor of an english bay complex" game. i walked in a circle 'til i found a door w/ a mat lying before it, & atop the mat two carefully placed sets of shoes, heels to the wall. also a doraemon doorknob. i knocked & was let in w/ a flurry & cup of japanese tea (brown? or green!). delightful! my speaking-japanese however is not quite so delightful so i made do w/ a swift moving in & out of languages, which seemed acceptable since (o god!) i'm half. this is all fairly great, not a complaint, neglecting of course the fact that i'm playing a Very Japanese concert on the night of joanna newsom & smog.. there's a christmas medley somewhere in there, & a patched-together, slightly improv'd spring sonata & mozart concerto : NAVIGABLE, which is the only thing that matters at this juncture..
relatedly, my chrysanthymums are three weeks old & still haven't withered. .i don't know much about the flower or the flowerseeds of death but the excruciating slowness w/ which it's taking the purple petals of MY SIGNIFYING SELF to flop off w/ the gusts of closing doors doors closing everywhere closing doors is something to tap a nose at. also my mum wants me to start dating again so i don't end up in a hole in the ground clutching only my degrees & books & songs to my chest. so i said : hey my mum! these days all i do is read tolstoy and listen to the magnetic fields and/or the rising/falling of arvo part scales! & i'm pretty happy about it all! "o just you wait," quoth she, "one day you will find yrself at a cherry-blossom picnic & you'll be looking at all the families thinking you just don't fit in & then you'll say, o i see i see..." MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!
whatevs man. i wore an anna karina-inspired outfit today & felt fine, just fine. my little boy jeffey gave me an end-of-term present this afternoon w/ a note that read : "thank you for being a great teacher. at first i was absent-minded about idioms, onomatopoeia, and so much more, but now i 'totally' understand 'everything.' thanks!" he's nine. he wrote a story this week about a princess who locks herself in a tower & SUFFERS FOR TWENTY YEARS, HAVING LET HERSELF KNOWINGLY BECOME DEPRIVED OF TECHNOLOGY. he also wrote : her head is heavily bowed down with the weight of twenty barges. aah!
( here are old pictures... ) | | comments: 34 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | kreisler | | Subject: | chain-MALE | | Time: | 01:22 am | | Current Mood: | disastrously solipsistic! |
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the administrative echelon is winning. mariko: 0, ad-echs: five billion and two points. it's sleepless nights again, which isn't to say particularly troubled, but sleepless, which is trouble.. i felt heavy & complex today LIKE MY COFFEE and tried to take out wagner's ring from the library this afternoon; however, they were clean out; still, i emerged most mercifully w/ a copy of heifetz playing mozart's turkish concerto, which, as of this morning, is something that needs to be picked up & learned & readied by december 5th for a little wee recital : incidentally december 5th's also joanna newsom w/ smog, & i am much very unhappy thumbs down give me a why all on a tuesday right here!, about that, i think. .
the most excellent thing about today has been in reading.. small blessings! per recommendation (!!) i started hrabal's too loud a solitude & it blows my brains (out). i've been lookin' & a-lookin' all 'round for the kind of book to really get at it again & i think this might be it, which is magnificent... also i watched a godard film last night & felt better about my life in general even tho the signs of it are all just tiny quivering filaments .. .fffszzzltt &tc! snp!
i can't quite put my finger on something that doesn't quite have a spot for a finger. . .but the brain is feeling funny & i think it might be the drugs & that's a self-perpetuating cycle...yet it seems so necessary & perhaps also it has to do w/ having quit smoking .. lying in bed night after night staring up at the ceiling like a bunny .. jarring & disembodying (adj!) to say the very least.. .christ & also i've been neglecting a friend for about a month now & don't know what to do about that since i'm becoming (i think??) so obsessive & compulsive about silly things like trying to keep the air from floating away overtop the doors in the flat.. . | | comments: 14 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | animal collective, part by part ('cicles!) | | Subject: | floes | | Time: | 05:46 pm | | Current Mood: | bergs |
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icecrunch. ! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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i'm resisting worker exploitation! big ups! this may be why i'm unable to sleep all the time...i seem to have a strange (??) work ethic & anxiety that makes me believe i owe free service or self-sacrificing gratitude to my employer.. but no more!! i request pay for labour! o god! guilt! guilt! but only enough to pay the bills 'round here .. darwin & i do not good friends make.. guilt! shame! my blue-eyes' shrink's gone & retired himself, but this is the sort of thing i'd often bring up w/ him in our sessions, after which he'd actually shake his head at me, or point in the direction of the theatre of the absurd. we'd laugh about it you know but i mean come on that's not persona i'm doling out, it's pure & basest truth my doctor friend!
yesterday or this afternoon rather i suppose i spent an hour in the strad shop reading articles on ricci & that funny good-lookin' man of a fiddler who in the war years refused to play w/ a shoulder rest.. this while old henry w/ his earpiece fixed up some of my loose pegs & filthy fingerboard & i also wandered through the workshop poking at old violins & things; it was quite nice, & he offered me a free mute for apartment practice.! ok. i am going to read proust & hope to fall asleep for a few hours at least.. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | GENIUSmusic | | Subject: | peanut gallery | | Time: | 01:44 am | | Current Mood: | neurotic. it is strange. |
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by this time next year i hope to understand why exactly, chemically, a rose will dry out so much more quickly than a small purple chrysanthymum. i also hope by then that my brain will stop thinking it's a hero that doesn't need to sleep. there's another thing too, about the coming year, & what by then : i just want to be a better person, you know?? the colour of the rose is white. the wind between then & now has stopped howling! & it's been howling day-long, wonderfully; i keep thinking i'm the only one seeing it & feeling it .. but this evening i had my littluns to teach, & a door slammed up against the window sending the blinds down in a heap over one of my little girls (who was just eating an apple). it was kind of fun & sweet & quaint putting the blinds back up while the kids sat in their desks w/ their heads on their arms, watching the climbing wind in the trees outdoors... they're doing really well.. my four-year old can spell "mice" and "unicorn"!
i need to try to sleep. thanks, G.P. for the drugs that don't do any real good... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | magnetic fields | | Subject: | soldier you know her | | Time: | 12:59 am | | Current Mood: | feels happy, like clapping |
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feels like i haven't been home in days & days. ..i think i will buy a big bathbomb full of herbs instead of coffee tomorrow & spend some solitary hours reading duras novels in the tub. my brain's playing catch-up .. there's floating .. teaching children how to read makes me dumb & i'm finding it a little scary to open my mouth & to say anything i mean.. for instance : are there seals in the water? yes, see those logs??
it's probably a poor idea, but i'm going to read rimbaud in bed & then sleep w/ the lights on, to keep warm. french in the wintertime feels promising.. & LUXURIOUS RED SILK ROBES. new universe. total decadence, total decency! one alpha-bit at a time, to the letter, &tc. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | the whole she-bangbang | | Subject: | beautiful musics | | Time: | 10:48 pm | | Current Mood: | totally strange, but good |
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every few minutes it comes at me like a big ol' wave & it swells up & up... didn't write that story for nothin' & now i'm dancin' & feelin' like all's right w/ everythin' & it ain't easy any which way or side about it but i mean it's that easy & i'm learning some really wonderful things about the world right now & i'd never have it any other way!
in other news, went to see beach house at pat's pub last night & ended up in the company of probably the most important lil' groups of people (not all but many!) in my life, mostly by chance!, & i drank & i drank & felt very loved even tho i'm pretty hugely characterless these days.. on the busride home my companion & i were met by a traveling harmonica troupe & some revolutionary new zealanders .. & i think my petit friend in his nice suit leaned up against a wall in the rain outside to pee for a while as i fell tipsily into the puddles .. . when i came to i was lying on the kitchen floor w/ my shoes & gloves still on & i mean i think it was everything combined, but quite a night was had. this morning after much negotiation i managed to pull myself up out of bed & to repent at church. then i had more to drink w/ kyle at toby's & so, like, i've had heavy philosophical & literary conversations w/ people for three days in a row & i'm having an aneurysm. it's been a long time. i mean i was dead for a long time, piecing it all together but now i just want to dance & to dance & to dance because there is finally something real to want to dance about! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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i am happy.
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